Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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