M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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