There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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