Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
