Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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