seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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