Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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