i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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