I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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