Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
