Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
