im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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