I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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