you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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