I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
