i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
