We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
