Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
