Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just had sex on a roof
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
