Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
