he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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