When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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