My pussy is not your playground.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
