Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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