Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Rumble strips road head = magical
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize