I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize