i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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