if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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