He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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