Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
