Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
