I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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