fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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