Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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