That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
