I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
