We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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