Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
