sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
