No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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