toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
