Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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