We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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