Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My breasts were aching with rage.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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