I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
