Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
