The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
