dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
