he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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