she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
