Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
