yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
