we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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