Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
