Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Farmville is her only friend.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
