just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
