he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Randomize
