i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
