i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize